1. political. Now I’m not one of those people who say “you know I’m really just not into politics.” Which is really a nice way of saying “I spend the time I should be using to read about current events to look at makeup tutorials on youtube.” Even though I spent nearly an hour online yesterday reading about bubonic plague, I do sometimes make myself aware of things that are going on in this century. But in no way do I see how that qualifies me to be the voice of the nation, or anything. 

2.trendy. I give zero fucks about what is going on in the world of fashion. The last time I took a gander, it seemed like every decade of the twentieth century was simultaneously exploding and being stitched back together with tiny third world hands. I like clothes, they keep me warm when it is cold. If said garb makes me look slightly more fuckable/less retarded, that’s pretty cool too. That is all that needs to be said.

3. all funny all the time. Humor is my weapon and my shield. But I have a molten core of sentimentality that may ooze at inappropriate times. Consider yourself warned. Let me hold you while we sob together.

4. all serious all the time. Sometimes people fart at funerals. Life is absurd. I love your brave blog about how you approach your cancer with grace, but while you are laid up at Cedars Sinai nibbling rapini, some poor fuck is getting served in ways you can’t even imagine. Life is a B movie with bad dialogue, a predictable ending and waaaay too many commercials. If you can’t laugh about it, see above.

5. zeitgeisty. I can’t promise not to blog about pop culture. I love it. But for me to assume that from my command center at my desk in Latonia, Kentucky that I have my FINGER on the PULSE of the ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE, now that, that is ridiculous. Isn’t it?

6. inspiring. I don’t want to be the turd in the punchbowl, but Tedtalks suck. At least in the context I view them. Slumped at my desk, tongueing beef jerky out of my molars, and learning about how some really smart person did something awesome. These talks make me feel bad. Very bad. Then I think about people playing Second Life and I feel better again.

7. honest. This is inherently difficult for me. I think every question has at least five answers. If given the option of A or B, I will pull the fire alarm.



  • WTF? “Just because they were cats” you give them to some psycho? That about made me physically ill.

  • I always have a hard time explaining to people why it is that I hate Tedtalks…
    Thanks for sharing and expressing my exact feelings about this matter (but soy-jerky for me).

  • Nicki, just read your beard post and apology- brilliant! Hubby loved it too! Keep doing what your doing it’s your blog!

  • Nikki, you are an extremely likable person – I’m sure very flawed, as we all are, but much braver than most. Don’t let all the nutcases, whether they are insecure hipsters (the self-confident ones found your post on beards hilarious and as such did not feel pressed to react) or mere loonies, bully you into silence. Keep entertaining/moving us with your lovely, whimsical and insightful words. Many of us really are grateful for it: it’s not so easy to find a witty, heartfelt blog. And for anything distracting me from my dreary daytime job, I say, and I mean it this time, thanks for sharing.

  • Hey just wanted to say what an awesome article about the beards – I realise it’s pretty old (in internet years anyway) but think your entire blog is great. Ok, I’m gushing now but keep it up, it’s brave to write so truthfully and a honestly written article is hard to find! I wish they’d make a TV series of your blog, so I wouldn’t have to put up with all the bullsh!t that passes for entertainment these days

  • I’ve managed to avoid blogs for, well, years I guess. I’ve never really given a shit about what other people think or what they give a shit about. But you’re viral post about beards struck me funny so here I am. No pressure, but my entire opinion of blogs and bloggers now rests on your shoulders. Better be good from now on.

  • I have a love-hate relationship with Ted Talks. I find some of them awesome and inspiring, and other times I find myself thinking “great, a room full of people patting themselves on the back for being awesome. Ayn Rand would be pleased …” I went to a tedx conference once and was amazed at how many people jumped at the chance to say nothing in an attempt to look smart. I went in the expectation of finding a group of people to have real and meaningful discussions with, and to do that you have to be willing to look stupid–without caring about looking smart. Lol, and now I have to point out that I sound like a self-aggrandizing jerk. I’m awesome, Ayn Rand would be pleased.

  • Hey Nicki. It’s The Reverend Chad Kroeger from a silly site called “Hot Chicks with Douchebags.” We are talking about your hipster article and you have been nominated for the Hall of Literary Hott for your treatise. Please visit to observe at and let us know if you have visited.

    • How have I not seen this site? I thought I was up on all my funny stuff. I would go over there and comment, but I just got off work, smoked a bowl and drank some milk. Dunno if I’m in the mood for a face-fucking.

  • “I think every question has at least five answers. If given the option of A or B, I will pull the fire alarm.” I wish I had written this…

  • Hi Nicki, I love reading about what your blog is not. Also, I’m not interested in the things you’re not interested in. Funny is what your blog is. I will return often to read your posts. ~ Dennis

      • Or tied you down and broke your ankles with a sledge hammer, That scene was so awesome, Kathy Bates was so raw as that psycho biatch!

  • Only 5 answers? I’m with Rara here; I can usually see a zillion answers.
    You should be flattered Nicki. Rara and I have never agreed before. Of course she used he word ‘math’ when it should be ‘maths’ but i’ll let her off here.

  • Even coming up with 5 answers to a single question would take me a week. “A or B?” would cause a meltdown. With the exception of math. Blissfully, math has just one answer. Until you get into science-math and then it gets weird again… blah! Anyway, loved your list. 🙂

    • MATH PROBLEMS HAVE ONLY ONE ANSWER??? Revelations like these make it clear why my life hasn’t gone as planned. I’m happy you like my list, because I like everything you do, Rara.

    • I had to look up coprophilia and ewww! ditto Nicki, damn Nobody for making me google that word, now I’m going to have to figure out how to use it in a conversation, it’s just too good a word not to…

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