fat-ugly-troll-merlin-on-bbc-14479281-460-276

The Troll

44

 

“I’m going to find a troll today” said little Annie Rose McKay

“He’s been bothering me for nigh on a week!”

“I’m going to crush this beastly creep!”

She packed her bag with special care

A knife, some snacks, clean underwear

And set off walking through forest and glade

Her hand curled ’round her trusty blade

(and sucking down vodka-spiked lemonade!)

When suddenly, she came to a clearing

And stood perfectly still, what was she hearing?

‘Twas a tap, tap, tap- the tapping of keys!

And a distant cackle of fiendish glee!

She narrowed her eyes, and scanned the horizon

Her heart beating fast, her blood pressure risin’

“I spy the bridge where the troll makes his home!”

All day on his laptop, always alone

Eating children, and brushing his hair

How’s he get wifi under there?

Closer and closer, the wee lass drew near

Using her anger to conquer her fear

Through the woodsy scent of the knoll,

She smelt smelly socks, the aroma of troll

She came to the bridge, and took a deep breath

Time for the troll to meet his death!

She peeked around the mossy stones,

And there sat the troll, so very alone.

But he was not the beast she had come to slay

In fact her first thought was to run away!

Because before her sat a creature

With stooped shoulders and plain features,

With wispy arms and spindly legs

(Eating a plate of scrambled eggs!)

“Why you’re just a man!” She said with surprise

The man whipped around with fear in his eyes.

“Don’t hurt me! Don’t hurt me! I’m just a boy!”

“Yes! Just a boy with a favorite toy!”

“A magic computer that I can use

To bother and hurt, spam and abuse!”

Annie thought for a moment about simply leaving

But then she thought of the way she’d been grieving

This boy’s words, sent to hurt without reason

Were the worst forms of internet treason.

And so, I am sad to report,

That Annie did not even try to retort.

But stabbed his heart with her trusty blade,

And went off whistlin’, back through the glade.

I’m told she never shed a tear

In fact made earrings out of his ears!

So let this be a warning to trolls today,

REMEMBER LITTLE ANNE MCKAY!

44 comments on “The Troll

  1. If you want to get much from this article then you have to apply such strategies to your won webpage.

  2. Reblogged this on jadetheobscure and commented:
    A creative take on internet trolling.

  3. Torbs says:

    Nice piece of badass-poetry šŸ™‚ While I’m still getting into the whole blogging game again (very slowly), I ran a page called ‘Slapppshot’ a couple of years ago. It got a fairly large following here on WordPress, but with that came the ridiculous comments and downright offensive personal attacks. After a while you get used to it, but it can mess a little with your head in the beginning. In the end I got fed up with all the little clique communities that started developing and got bored with the whole writing thing, so I put it down.
    As I have come to understand, you have made a name for yourself pretty fast here and with that come the drawbacks. People get jealous when a gifted writer enters the scene and starts getting attention. My message…fuck’em! Do your thing without excuses or apologies and concentrate on what you do best. I’ve also caught up with what CalamityRae last month. Wow…the stuff I’ve missed!
    Keep on truckin’ Nicki D…

    • Thanks for your kind words. I didn’t let it get me down, exactly. But I needed a short break. Blogging in general can be overwhelming because there’s so much that goes with it. I want to concentrate on my fiction more. Hope all is well.

      • Michael Gidell says:

        How come bloggers never consider how they come across? You seem narrow-minded & your stories come from the place your mom told you was special. Alas, blogart, you’re boring & stupid. Bloggers are the trolls. This used to be the kinda shit a nobody put in her diary. Thanks to the internet, we’re all exposed to your cyber litter. Enjoy your life. Quit yapping about the mundane bullshit the rest of us keep to ourselves. I love people who constantly repeat how smart they are. Who you trying to convince? But no, momma said you’re important & by god you’re gonna be special even if it takes brute force. Lemme know when someone publishes you, cuz, you’re special & all, but, remember: nobody edits you. There’s no exam to pass, no good bloggers here & lousy, blowhards here type deal. Nope, you just type, send & sit back, satisfied. You sullied up the internet again today, ma’am. You really suck but some sycophant’s gonna tell you that you’re not. In your world an honest critique is a troll & an ass-kissing, wannabe kardashian is dead-on w/ the praise. Believe what you will but i’d be laughing if it wasn’t all so disappointing

  4. fenicwekdrj says:

    Reblogged this on fenicwekdrj and commented:
    pusing

  5. This cracked me up! And, yes, how do trolls get wifi under their bridges? Im guessing they caved and bought the signal booster recommended on the helpline.
    Go Annie McKay!

  6. Aussa Lorens says:

    I forgot to get back over here and comment. This cracked me up and as I was reading it I thought “oh wait, no, don’t forgive the troll” and I’m glad you didn’t. Sometimes it’s nice to just vanquish our enemies.
    Hope the trolls aren’t plaguing you too much… That seems to be going around.

  7. The Hook says:

    You’re a true original, Nicki.
    Anyone who sees you as anything less than brilliant deserves to dwell under a metaphorical bridge shrouded in darkness.

  8. Deanna Herrmann says:

    I love your sense of humor and how you use it for good and evil. :-))

  9. Johnmatrix says:

    Dont feed the trolls!

  10. Fab! I admire your honesty it’s very powerful. Remember there is always Ying and Yang (this powerful message came from Mulan 2) not my choice of film, but hey. Your blogs are great! Keep them coming!

  11. samara says:

    Wait til I post about my hate mail.
    Cause that’s my next post.

    Love you, soul sister.

  12. Poem or wish fulfillment? Methinks the latter.

  13. Angelle says:

    I wish I had the kind of commitment to anything that trolls do to spreading evil and writing grammatically incorrect emails.

    Maybe cheese.

    But not even that.

    Can I get this in children’s book form?

  14. Sasquatch says:

    Trolls are an unfortunate but interesting unintended consequence of the design of the Internet, and if you’re interested in a deeper understanding of them (which you may not be — sometimes you just want to smite them), then a good place to start is the work of my friend Judith Donath and the MIT Media Lab. One of her papers is on “Identity and Deception in the Virtual Community”, which can be found here: http://smg.media.mit.edu/people/Judith/Identity/IdentityDeception.html. She has a book coming out in a month or two. Sherry Turkle (also at MIT) gets quoted often on this topic, as well, but I think Judith’s work is more interesting. I won’t try to synopsize it here.

    It is worth mentioning that the word “troll” in this context did NOT originate from the mythical monster lurking under the bridge in fairy tales, but from the type of fishing where one throws out a baited line (as it were) and waits to see who bites. (I was there at the dawn of this nomenclature, trust me). I point this out not to be smarter-than-thou, but because I think it indicates the correct method for dealing with them: don’t smite them (they like it) — just don’t bite.

    Now, Nickster, Nickoletta, Nick-o-my-heart — to change the subject, if we’re going to ignore the subject of you abandoning the no-good Ryan and moving to the upper-left-hand-corner of the map, then at least address this: what’s an NPC bikini competition, and are you going to be in any more of them? Enquiring trolls, … uh … minds wish to know.

    • jaklumen says:

      but from the type of fishing where one throws out a baited line (as it were) and waits to see who bites. (I was there at the dawn of this nomenclature, trust me).

      YES! Validation! I knew this would be the meaning! (It makes a little more sense when you think about it, doesn’t it?)

  15. Rumpelstiltskin says:

    I think this post is utterly ridiculous. You should be ashamed for writing such trash.

  16. Ha, this was great. I wonder if she knows Little Peggy Ann McKay. Either way, she’s good with a knife. There’s also the “setting them on fire” method that works well too.

  17. April says:

    YAY! Very nice! OK, “troll or not troll” question for you: I was on Amazon shopping for a toy toolbox for my son (2 yrs). The description of one I found said that “Boys would love using it…” I commented that I thought the manufacturer could come into this century and possibly just change this to “Kids…”. Then I spent my money on a different toy toolbox. I didn’t browbeat Fisher-Price and I certainly didn’t unleash a barrage of feminist lingo. I am just a girl in a job that’s 98% male and attribute that to a lot of time spent with legos and erector sets as a kid (erector…snicker). I’d like all girls to be encouraged to think a toolbox is for them. It’s primarily the parent’s responsibility for sure, but I believe society plays a roll here too. I think the marketing could be inclusive, and I said so. That’s it. I’ve done it once on the internet, ever (this one time). So then, I got several long rants in reply that I was a “troll”, that if I had a boy child he was going to need therapy when he was older because I clearly want to put him in dresses and call him girl names, etc etc etc you get the idea. I know you know how bad it can be. Am I wrong to think that THESE people are the trolls? I didn’t hurt anyone with my comment and didn’t target a person, but they were clearly targeting me for hurt and abuse. AND I was on the site for a legitimate reason, versus what seems to me to be just clicking around looking for someone to disagree with and then beating them over the head. I’m convinced the internet has huge potential for discourse and change, but 98% is a giant shit-fest.

    • Yes, they are trolls. Having an opinion doesn’t make you a troll. Ever since my bearded hipsters post, I have had a troll infestation. They leave rude trolly comments on even my most innocuous posts. Even my most personal post to date, about my drug use, got the comments that it’s too bad I didn’t OD. It is one of the few I have actually deleted.

      I think trolls are insecure, weak people who never stand up for themselves in “real life” so they take to the internet to get their aggression out. I might say things people don’t agree with, but this is my internet “home” and I can say what I want to.

      Don’t come in my house and talk shit, trolls!

      • April says:

        That is un-fucking-real. Too bad you didn’t OD?? Who ARE these people?? Almost weekly, I say to my husband, “We are driving on the same ROADS as them! How do they live with this much rage and hate? And how do any of us survive around them as a result?” I said something similar in reply on Amazon – that I was happy I and my family don’t have to hate others to feel better about ourselves. Hell yes, this is your house. They don’t have to come in or even knock on the door. If they do, right there they show their miserableness. Hugs Nicki

    • Stop stealing my lines mother fucker! Yes Nicki, you do rock. And I actually I think this could be my favourite post of yours. You’re even more diverse than our buddy Trent here.

    • Trent Lewin says:

      I just want to clarify my three-word comment with a few additional words: I appreciate the poetry and the anger in this, without the endless layers of drama and self-evaluation. I mean, really, it’s a bunch of trolls in the blog world, whatever, they can fuck off, doesn’t make or break your life or even close. May as well write a set of funky couplets about it and be secure about who you are and where you’re at, cause the trolls sure ain’t, and besides, they can suck it. Nicki, the tone of your response tells these trolls to fuck off as much as the words do, and that is good, and it seems from some of the comments they are leaving you that they need to hear that message.

      And now for an endless barrage of near-meltdown level whinges about everyone else’s experiences with trolls… just kidding. I do not speak from experience, nary has a troll visited me before. Perhaps this is a compliment: the inane and the insane who get their kicks through cheap shots, occasionally of the anonymous kind, and who have no choice but to navigate towards those who have something to say in order to present a model of secret praise and admiration, all while expelling their vitriol as a form of therapy. Trolls, I hear you and feel your pain, but honestly, you are every bit as useless as well-placed anger is meaningful.

      • Sorry I’m just getting to replying, Trent. My little one has been sick. So, for the most part I’ve had a breezy attitude toward trolls. I figure, if I’m attracting them, my blog must be fairly popular, right? And I’ve written about a few things that are controversial, to a few people, I suppose.

        But. After I bared my soul on the drug post, and got that awful trolly comment, it really bothered me. I think I was just feeling emotionally vulnerable. Then I realized how silly the whole thing is, really. So I wrote a silly poem. It was fun, I felt better, case closed.

      • anonymous says:

        I wouldn’t kid like that if I’m you. Also, trolls don’t deserve pity. Instead, they deserve utter contempt.

  18. Nice expression of feelings, I dig it!

  19. Twindaddy says:

    As it should be. Death to trolls!

  20. JackieP says:

    Now that was good! And the trolls should be slain!

  21. Hilarious! You’re getting serious MSP Twitter time. Will share!

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