10 things I dislike about Super Bowl Sunday

Hi guys,

Did you notice I typed “dislike” and not “hate”? That’s because I don’t hate it, Super Bowl Sunday. Why would I let myself get that worked up about it? I’ll leave that to the fans. You know, the millions of people sitting on couches, yelling at the flatscreen with hot sauce on their chins? The screen upon which very large, very rich, semi-metrosexual men grapple in a game of no real consequence?

And don’t give me that shit about how you played when you were younger. “But it takes me back to high school! Memories of my youth!” Yeah, yeah. I had fun when I was a teenager too, but I don’t have a party once a year to celebrate drinking Zima and dry-humping.

And if you never played football, that’s even weirder to me. “But they’re amazing to watch!” you cry. “Real life heroes!” Tell me then, how come when the fire trucks come screeching down the street, you never see a cavalcade of F150’s in hot pursuit, slurping beers and cheering while they battle the blaze? That shit’s pretty amazing to watch too. And free.

Here’s 10 more things that chap my ass about this tedious day:

1. The Announcers. I actually had to google this shit because I didn’t know if they were called “announcers” or “commentators” or what. I still don’t know. But I know this: those guys are way too fucking excited. They make me nervous, and not in a “Ryan Gosling’s in line in front of me at Target” kinda way, but a “my asshole is sweating and I feel like I just did two lines of cheap coke” kinda way. I like more serene entertainment. Like feeding ducks at a pond. Or something.

2. The Commercials. Can you say “emotional manipulation”? Jesus Christ. I just saw that Budweiser ad with the puppy and the horse and I was like, whaaassup? What does that have to do with the consumption of below-average American beer? I miss the days when beer commercials would be all, burly guy lifts can, takes a long swallow and says “It’s good”. No matter how funny or cool or heartwarming an advertisement might be, the company that funded it just wants your money. Burp.

3.Wife Beating. Do you know that SBS is one of the biggest days of the year for incidences of domestic violence and child abuse? That’s right. Daddy gets mad when his team loses, especially if he loses money, and someone must be punished. Throw your kids around, tackle ol’ Sally. You’ll feel better in the morning, I promise.

4. Human Sex Trafficking. More seedy underbelly of the Super Bowl! I just learned about this today. Apparently guys drive around looking for girls to kidnap and use as sex slaves at their parties. Silly guys. Everybody knows all you need to get sex slaves is a few sorority girls, a keg of Coors Light, and some ecstasy. They’ll be begging for your boner beer in no time. Duh.

5. Latent Homoeroticism. Football is so gay. There is so much locker room nudity, ball slapping, ass slapping, body to body holding and questionable bending-over- it’s seriously like a bath house. I’m not homophobic, like at all. But it cracks me up because most fans totally are. I mean these guys are the ones that screech “no homo” if their fingers accidentally brush against their buddies’ when they pass them a tall boy. Yet they watch, with rapt attention, two hours of what looks like foreplay for a gang bang.

6. The Halftime Show. Speaking of all things gay. These things are so over-the-top and cheesy they are clearly choreographed and arranged by a team of drag queens. Cue the aging pop star. Cue the teen pop star. Cue the high school marching bands. Cue the falling glitter. Watch them sing a song about freedom because…

7. Patriotism. God, we love America on SBS. So much money. So much violence. So many American flags. The young  man with Down’s Syndrome steps up to the mic, takes a tremulous breath, and sings “Star-Spangled Banner”. There isn’t a dry eye in the house! Personally,  I like to picture the Founding Fathers scoring touchdowns. Probably because it is about as absurd as linking this game to whatever it is we are supposed to represent as a country.

8. Female Fans. I don’t want to make any friends mad, but girl, I just don’t get it. I’ve been to the parties. I’ve been to NFL games with my Dad. I enjoyed the company, but not the game. But some of you act just as wild as the boys! Little jerseys! Team logo manicures! I have asked a few women, and I have yet to have one give me a convincing argument as to why they love this sport. Their mouths are saying “blah blah blah” but I’m hearing “But I look AMAZING in those colors!” If you just want to party, that’s totally cool. But don’t lie to a sister.

9. It takes FOREVER to get a fucking pizza delivered. 

10. Shit talking. I’m talking to you, COWORKERS. It was enough that I had to endure the whole fantasy football season. All that shit-talking, about something that is, admittedly, fantasy. I pretended to ignore you guys but I was tempted to scream “Look over there it’s two leprechauns tongue-kissing!” But now it’s all “I’m going to eat soooo much this Sunday! I’m going to drink sooooo much this Sunday!” I don’t want to be an asshole, but how is that different from the other 364 days of the year, exactly?

Jeez, Debbie Downer, is there anything you like about the Super Bowl?

Yes. The cheerleaders! I love them. They make me feel better about my own life choices. I’ve done a lot of stupid stuff, but I’ve never been an orange person wearing lycra hot pants and clown makeup, just a half-second off beat, sadly twerking to a TLC medley. I mean, ok, I have been, but not on national TV.

Also, hot wings.

Be safe this Sunday!




  • I stopped watching football when Vince Lombardi died.

    One more to add to your list: the stupid, degrading end zone dancing after a touchdown. No Lombardi Packer would have dared such a thing, for fear of pissing off the coach. Not that he would have hired such a narcissistic player in the first place.

  • I don’t get it either. You know how when you’re trying to get some asshole’s drink order and they’re screaming their head off at the television above your bar? When females do it I want to kick them in the face.

    • I am so, so glad that my workplace doesn’t show sports. We have a TV, but it just plays classic films. The only downfall is when we are slow, I will find myself lip-reading entire movies.

  • Seems like you put a lot of effort into writing about something you don’t like. I read this as: “This is something that’s popular, and I’m going to show why I’m cooler than everyone else by talking about why I don’t like it.”

    It’s like an indy music lover writing a post about why Nickelback sucks.

    • Trust me, I’m not cooler than ANYONE. And your analogy doesn’t hold water, because I haven’t been opening up Facebook to see 8 zillion status updates about Nickelback, or been at work listening to everyone talk about Nickelback, or turning on the tv and everyone is talking about NICKELBACK. Whether one is a fan of the sport or not, one is inundated with Super Bowl stuff this time of year. So, I was just offering an opinion from the non-fan perspective.

  • I was beat over the head with football all my growing up time, so I hate it: the sexism, the yelling, the food, the weirdness, the uselessness of it all…and the way the younger females at work use it against the older women at work to get ahead–you know, “we are cool, you are boring” and the men lick it up. Like you said, don’t lie…you just don’t know any better…or anything at all, except how to manipulate. And yes, there are public health consequences to bringing a football team to town.

    Yeah, I’m not funny–I grew up.

  • 3. Wife Beating during SBS? F*A*L*S*E. Feminist propaganda. Been thoroughly discredited by Christina Hoff Sommers, Ph.D., in her 1994 book “Who Stole Feminism? How Women Have Betrayed Women,” chapter 9 “Noble Lies.” You’re 20 years out of date on the social research.

    Never believe what feminists say is true. Never.

  • “Everybody knows all you need to get sex slaves is a few sorority girls, a keg of Coors Light, and some ecstasy. They’ll be begging for your boner beer in no time. Duh.”

    THAT’S all it takes, Nicki? Boy, things sure have changed since I was a college boy…
    Once again, you’ve served up some awesome sauce that goes with any entree. Well done, young lady.

  • I loved going to super bowl parties when i was younger but it was only cause i was a drunk amd i knew there would be plenty of free alcohol there

  • I am a football fan, but my team hasn’t made it to the big game so I have no interest. I see what you mean about lady fans, and I get into the games, but not as much as my husband. The best thing I can say for the game, is that I get attached to the players. The guys who work hard in pre-season to get a place on the team, the aging superstar who’s trying to eek out one more year, the new guys trying to make a name for themselves, the guys who volunteer in our community and encourage the kids to get outside and play.

    That said, I totally agree with your list and the extreme over the top quality of the Super Bowl. Last year this time I was busy worrying about when my son would be born (and praying to god I didn’t go into labor during the big game with all the drunken idiots on the road). He was born a few days later, so yay!

    The best part about Super Bowl Sunday is turning to Animal Planet to watch the Puppy Bowl. Seriously, if you’re stuck working at an eating establishment that has the game on, switch it over to the Puppy Bowl and watch the hysterics unfold. Added bonus, puppies!

  • Nailed it! And just one more thing…these very large guys manhandling each other make obscene amounts of money to play a GAME. Let’s take that money and pay our teachers, fire fighters and police, huh? People who provide actual critical services, and don’t make enough to support their families without a second job.

    Rant over…sorry to get all serious…loved the post, girl!

  • Football is the epitome of gross American culture: loud, obnoxious, flamboyant, exorbitant, retrogressive. I have yet to figure out the purpose of the “cheer leaders” (who do little cheering and no leading) other than to promote the sale of MAC cosmetics and provide drunken, body-painted, foam-finger-wearing, man-boys with objects to ogle in between plays on the field and chest bumps in the stands. And should you be so unfortunate as to find yourself at one of the many home celebrations of this Sunday futility, good luck finding a beer that actually tastes like beer or an appetizer to munch on that doesn’t involve cheese, cream cheese, and Frank’s Red Hot sauce.

    • It showed up in an Upworthy article in my Facebook news feed. If you google “Super Bowl sex trafficking” you will see tons of stuff.

      However, the New York Times just published this opinion piece:

      They are saying this is a rumor. I need to do more research. If it’s not true, I feel bad for spreading an inflammatory agenda.

  • I do think your article was funny, I’m sure you don’t give a shit but I think it’s neat watching people who have dedicated their lives to something and have a passion for something perform infront of a live audience. Whether it’s a sport, an art, or a science. They may have no impact on the world but if people get enjoyment out of it why not? I know you were only speaking for yourself, lso I’ll just ask you, what good exactly did your blog do for the world on this one?. It made me laugh and I got enjoyment out of it pso that’s a plus, but when you think about it I’m sure there’s a lot more beneficial things you could talk about with such a large audience to better people and places around you, ( if the abuse and human trafficking points were educational where’s a link to learn more ? ). I agree with you that all the patriotism and stuff is bull shit to get more viewers so they can make more money, but ironically your blogging about it, to get viewers, and somehow along the way make money.. Or maybe I’m just as wrong as my grammer.. Oh well I was schooled in kentucky, thank god for Arkansas

      • This is nothing. Just yesterday someone told me to grab the nearest kitchen knife and stab myself in the jugular. Apparently, people don’t like people with opinions.

        In other news, are you the same fellow who contacted me on Twitter?

    • Why would you say I don’t give a shit? Here’s the deal. I think it’s inspiring to watch people with a passion for something too. I’m not saying people are wrong for liking football, or stupid for liking football, I’m just saying I don’t get it. One thing I do think is wrong is the exorbitant amount of money these guys get paid to play this game, which is a direct result of the value that is placed on the sport by society. You don’t need me to tell you that these guys make more than virtually every other person who is trying to make the world a better place.

      As far as my blog not making a better place-I’m not here to educate or inspire you, dude.
      I talk about what ever is on my mind, which is usually nonsense. My “large audience” has chosen to follow me based on what I write. I don’t think they would enjoy it very much if I decided I now had a duty to “teach them about the world”. That’s what google is for. My favorite female blogger writes primarily about her taxidermied animal collection, and I love every minute of it.

      What I do love is making people laugh. You said you laughed. Mission accomplished.

      And blaming your bad grammar on being schooled in Kentucky offends me. That’s my home, dude. And I talk real good.

      • Oh, and as for trying to make money on my blog….bwahahahahahahahahaha.
        No. I have been contacted many times about putting ads on this site and I said no way because they are tacky and annoying. You will never see any ads on this site, ever.
        If my writing leads to some other opportunities, that would be great. But this blog will never be a money-maker. I’m okay with that. I’m here to have fun, I’m not motivated by money or popularity in blogging or in life. Also, blow me.

          • If it’s any consolation, I enjoyed your post and just signed up today to “have you stuff my in box” regularly. As far as football is concerned, my opinion is that they should give each player a ball and then they wouldn’t need to all fight over one ball – and we could all go home happy..

  • About the only reason why I’m giving this SBS any notice (which is not too much) is because the Seahawks are the home team, and while they went to the Super Bowl recently a little while back, for decades… they sucked.

  • Hey what does it take to get you to talk about something that makes you really angry? Like hateful angry?

    Super Bowl sucks. World Series is the bomb. Also, don’t slag the halftime show – did you even watch Beyonce do her thing that one time? It was unreal.

    I think it’s funny that you used sweaty assholes and zima in the same post. I really do.

    • Trent, you are just not going to be happy until I go absolute apeshit on something, are you? It will happen, I promise. I went a little apeshit on someone in the comments right above you.

  • I agree so completely. I don’t get it. I work with all women and for some reason they’re really into it, putting up posters, ordering t-shirts. My best friend and co-worker leaned our heads together yesterday and said “I JUST DON”T FUCKING CARE.” It’s always good to have a buddy who hates the same stuff.
    Again, GREAT blog!

    • You’re lucky. I am virtually alone at my workplace with football-bashing. Fortunately, my husband isn’t a fan, either. And he played in high school.

  • I hear ya sista. I am so not into it – particularly because the Patriots are not in it! I watch football to stare at Tom Brady’s ass and that’s pretty much it. Although I do love having an acceptable excuse to stuff my mouth with everything fattening. Plus they already showed all the damn commercials! Ok, and I DO LOVE Bruno Mars…

    • Every day is an acceptable excuse to stuff your mouth with junk! I like Bruno Mars, too. Although I have convinced myself he is a woman. I saw him on SNL and I didn’t see a single facial hair or any sign of an Adam’s apple.

  • What I LOVE is how the super conservative Christians around here will schedule church around the Superbowl. The ONE day a year they will do this. I mean, crap, Jesus can wait – I got a bowl of hot sauce and a bet going on that team!

    • Oh, this is real, all right.

      I don’t consider myself to be of a “super conservative” religion, but I do remember attending a religious-affiliated school, Ricks College (now BYU-Idaho) in Rexburg, back in ’92, and the resident director in my dorm had a HUGE spread on Super Bowl Sunday, and the game was on in the large screen TV in the common area. No talk of “you boys need to go to church” like there normally would be. *shrug*

  • Is it just me or what? But I always thought those football guys make way too much money. For what? A sport? To throw some ball around and pat each other on the ass? I did not know about the sex slave thing, but it makes sense in an evil kinda way. I’ll join you and Aussa on that vigilante thing. I’ll even bring my pink hammer!

  • Football—hell, ALL sports— are a fantastic destruction. It’s something to momentarily focus on that doesn’t involve having inadequate healthcare coverage for my family or infrequent and imperfect sex or my pants being a little tight in the waist or it taking increasingly more time to run two miles, or, or, or, etc. And the cheerleaders have zero percent body fat. Therein lies its value.

  • I only have one friend who gives a damn about the super bowl and it’s only for the commercials. I have to admit, I do look forward to seeing the craziest commercials… but I’m still not going to buy any of that stuff.

  • Another entertaining read, thank you. And on the topic of this Superb Owl, I thought you may enjoy Snarky Snatch’s take on it all (apologies if you’re already following her):

    “In many ways, watching the Superbowl is like taking a giant shit: at times you feel stuck, and then you are happy when it’s over.”


    PS – Feel free not to approve this comment. Reading her post reminded me of yours and I thought you may enjoy reading it. Bye for now.

  • You nailed it. I’d add something witty, but I’m still struggling to clean the spit coffee from my keyboard after the sweaty-asshole comment.

  • Meh. I like watching it. To be fair, it’s the only football game i watch & the hubbz is interested in. Im lucky in that way. We stopped the sex slave thing once we had a daughter, though. Morals and timing.

  • I don’t give a crap about football either. Or pretty much any other game played with a ball… I played the game for ten years, was an OK player who became passably good in high school and I had a lot of fun with it. But looking back I guess I feel sorta bad for the standouts on our team. At least my life didn’t peak at age 17.

    • Here’s to not peaking in high school! I sometimes Facebook stalk the old popular crowd from high school. They have not fared well.

  • The older I get the less interested I am in football. It’s fun to watch, but I’m finding I care less and less every year.

  • I can’t stand American football. Yep..I’ll go ahead and say I hate it. I go to the parties to be social – eat, drink and be merry. I had no idea about the sex trafficking. And #9–yes!!!

    • *shrug* I’d totally go just for the food, too, but… I have not been invited to any such parties that I am aware of.

      I don’t much care for American-style football… or soccer. Rugby, however, that I will gladly watch. I played a bit of it, but I’m in no shape to do so now.

        • Erm, in meatspace, or virtually?

          Because I’m pretty sure I’m just way too far away to come over physically in person.

          I don’t have much of a spread… just some chicken drumsticks that have been marinating in blood orange juice and teriyaki sauce.

  • What would I do without this blog?
    I couldn’t figure out where to find the sex slaves for this Sunday, but I’ll just nab a few sorority girls while they’re busy vomiting everything they eat.

    I have a Yankees logo tramp stamp. Please love me anyway. I’m from the Bronx, it’s a thing.

  • I’m usually just there for the party. If I’m there at all which is only of the Saints are playing, which admittedly was once. During one of our DC snowstorms so I was home yelling at the TV and eating ice cream.

  • I’ll admit, I’m going to a super bowl party for the first time ever in my life but it’s mostly for the food and because I can count on my nieces to cover my boyfriend in all sorts of Disney Princess tattoos.
    You sort of nailed something that really does bother me about SBS though– the sex trafficking is a HUGE thing. It’s a big deal around any sorts of sporting event and that shit makes me want to do violent things that involve hammers and other people’s faces.

  • “but I don’t have a party once a year to celebrate drinking Zima and dry-humping.” I think this should be a thing.

  • I think we’re twins from different mothers. You have summed up my sentiments exactly. I don’t get it and quite frankly I don’t want to get it. Burly people (on the field and off) making lots of noise and basically being completely obnoxious for no apparent reason just doesn’t appeal to me. Eating too much, drinking too much, yelling too much…ugh, it’s gross.

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