Saddle up! It’s time for a Brony Smackdown!

 

We are living in the goddamned end times. I just know it. I’m not too religious, but the prophecies of the Book of Revelation are everywhere. The sun is scorching the Earth. Justin Bieber is the Antichrist. Miley Cyrus is the Whore of Babylon. But where are the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, you ask? Well, sometimes things get lost in translation.

Because they’re really PONIES.

Can you sprinkle a turd with pixie dust and call it a movement? Bronies seem to think so. If you haven’t heard the term, get caught up.  But the quick and dirty is this: My Little Pony are toys made by Hasbro since the 1980’s. I had them. They were cute and they smelled like plastic birthday cake. In 2010, Hasbro introduced a new generation of the toys and as a handy marketing tie-in, a show called My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. Hasbro has a long history of this. GI Joe. The Transformers. Jem and the Holograms. Insipid little cartoons that were basically 20 minute commercials for their products. But this show found an unlikely legion of fans: adult males in their early to mid-20s. Hence, Bronies.

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This weekend I watched a documentary on Netflix, Bronies: The Extremely Unexpected Adult Fans of My Little Pony. The film is fan produced, so it’s very pro-Brony and total clopaganda. I augmented my findings with some online research. I’m now sure of two things.

One: I may never have sex again. These bronies have killed my lady boner. The more I learn, the more my vagina gets very sad. She is now in full mourning and will only wear black panties. Even looking at pictures of Ryan Gosling could not coax her out of hiding.

Two: This is not hipster irony. Or even your average creepily virginal fandom. This is, 100%, a religious movement that is growing at an alarming rate. We MUST corral this herd of idiots before it’s too late.

In an informal survey, as many as 12 million Americans identify as Bronies. To put that in perspective, there are only 10 million Scientologists WORLDWIDE. These ponyboys have a MASSIVE online presence, attend conventions, and spread their message of Magical Friendship. They even have their own lexicon. “Everybody” becomes “everypony”.  A fist bump is a Bro-hoof. And their tagline? I’m gonna tolerate and love the shit out of you.

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Well, hay, Nicki, that doesn’t sound so bad, does it? I mean lots of parents and even psychologists think the Brony message is a good one. It’s better than all that violent video gaming isn’t it? Better than looking at porn all day?

Do not google My Little Pony Rule 34.

OK, are you back? After your eyeballs finish rupturing, let’s continue. It would behoof you to listen next time. Sure, the porny ponies make up a small part of the fandom, along with the furries and the boys who wear tails that don’t require glue. Psychologists are quick to point out that the vast majority of bronies are white, heterosexual, college-educated males. Some have gone so far as to praise the Bronies for ushering in a new era of masculinity. Some call it the New Sincerity Movement.

Is this supposed to make me feel better? Look, my dismay has nothing to do with worrying about pedophiles living in their parents’ basements. I am really fucking FREAKED OUT that the hope of our collective future is spending their time making cupcake memes and farting rainbows and deluding themselves into thinking that it’s somehow relevant. I’m not having a knee-jerk reaction to gender bending, I’m having a visceral reaction to the utter pointlessness of it all.

And this is not revolutionary gender-bending either. Shit, David Bowie did it 30 years ago with a lot more swagger. At least Ziggy Stardust got laid. And if we’re going to start relaxing gender roles, can we at least start somewhere more significant? Like maybe we can stop calling God “Him”?

And what about this universal love? Are you seriously trying to tell me that we should love everyone, no matter what? “Hey Hitler, are you going to BronyCon?” That’s a terrible message! That’s why the stupid show is marketed to kids in the first place. By the time we reach middle school, most of us realize that the world is filled with assholes and the last thing they deserve is a fucking hug. This is a vapid philosophy devoid of logic.

That’s my problem. This is not….ANYTHING. There is a vast whistling emptiness at the heart of youth culture today. Some say things like Bronyism are a natural response to post-911 America. Some have compared them to hippies during the Vietnam War.

Hand me a beer, ya’ll, because my head is going to explode.

Hippies were fighting against something. Hippies were pushing back against authority. Hippies were trying to build a less materialistic, more free and open culture. Who really benefits from the Brony movement?

Fucking HASBRO, that’s who.

Let’s take a look at this beneficent company, shall we? It’s the largest toy company in the world. Nearly all of their production has been outsourced to East Asia, in factories they neither control nor oversee. We all know how that goes. They decimated ancient Indonesian forests for their packaging until Greenpeace jumped their shit. The state of Rhode Island gave them 1.6 million dollars to create more jobs, and instead they cut 10% of salaried employees. Meanwhile, CEO Brian Goldner just renewed his contract for an obscene amount of cash.

I mean, c’mon. This is the company that thought lawn darts were a good idea. This is the company that still packages Easy Bake Ovens in pink boxes and markets them exclusively to girls.

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So while these manchildren are spreading their message of friendship and inclusion, they are sacrificing their gifts on the altar of corporate greed, and urging consumer culture ever onward and upward. Blow me, Bronies.

This is the endgame of twenty years of drugging our kids with Ritalin and food additives. Search Bronies on Youtube. Look at their pasty, living-in-captivity faces. Their doughy, hyperactive bodies. Their vacant eyes. Their utter soullessness.

And nobody wants to say anything bad. Parents don’t want to be anything but accepting nowadays. Nobody wants the kids feeling bad about themselves. But guess what, feeling bad about yourself is not necessarily a bad thing if you are doing something profoundly stupid.

Trust me, I know. I felt bad about myself for twenty years, and then I grew up.

Grow up, Bronies.

Grow. The. Fuck. Up.

Go outside. Have sex with a girl, or a guy. Make some art that isn’t derivative. Read a fucking book. Eat a fucking vegetable.

But mostly, grow the fuck up. You’re not unique, or important. None of us are. We are all just warts on the asshole of the world. At least some of us know it.

I’ve sat through the cults of Christianity and CrossFit, but this is just too much. We are ripe for extinction. We are in fact, devolving.

Every generation has its moment when they pass the torch to the next generation. Not me. I’m hanging on to it until they prove they’re worthy. I’m not letting these dipshits play with fire.

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165 comments

    • Oh, and if anyone was interested,
      “If you target only to kids, then you are dead!” – Walt Disney

  • I think new generations of men (and, also, women) need to do important things like helping needy people, plant trees, enlist as volunteer in their local fire department, even in the Army, whatever… MLP is a funny cartoon and I watch it sometimes with my 6 years old daughter. But being a brony ? When I was in my 20’s, my center of attention was girls, not ponies. What’s wrong with this world ? What’s wrong with young men ? Bronies ? Hipsters ? Seriously…

    • Yes, when you were young, teenagers were on their way to becoming depraved, hormone-driven misogynists… And now they want to follow intrinsic values perpetuated by a semi-utopic fantasy world!? What has come of them!? Next thing you’ll know they’ll be doing horrible things, such as being interested in learning, creating a better world, accepting different views, races and religions! The horror!

      • My Little Pony allows for a better future by representing a magical fantasy world, no different from the wondrous lands I created upon playing dungeons and dragons.

        • you’re absolutely wrong. First, as I said, My Little Pony is a nice cartoon, funny, and positive. But for kids. You don’t have to behave like a stupid and pathetic adult still stuck in his youth to change the world or wathever.

          • “You don’t have to behave like a stupid and pathetic adult”
            Tell me more about having different interests, and not falling into the idiotic stereotype makes you stupid and pathetic?

  • Holy fire juggling Jesus I wanted to stand and fucking cheer after reading this.

    Fun fact, there is actually a group at my University that MEETS WEEKLY to watch episodes of MLP and then have IN DEPTH discussions about them. How do I know this? Because they do it in the open computer lab that I happened to be working in that day. And my god… these people (cultists) TERRIFIED me! I watched this whole thing go down and thought “Holy fuck, someone is about to hand these people a DEGREE!?!?!”

    I’m glad I’m not the only one COMPLETELY WEIRDED OUT BY THIS THING. It’s insane… not in any vernacular sense that could mean anything even closely RESEMBLING positivity, it is literally insanity in it’s purest form. What the hell happened humanity? WHAT DID YOU DO!?!?

  • Sorry I’m late to discover this post, but I’m a bit of an accidental brony, and I figured I’d weigh in. My daughter became a huge fan of the MLP show, so I was forced to watch quite a few episodes. And even though I rarely concentrated that hard on watching, I began to absorb more and more of the show and actually started to like it.

    My wife laughs at how much I now know about the ponies, and as a response she bought me a Brony T-shirt. But that’s about as far as I take it. I’m certainly no Rule 34er.

    • dude, you’re spending time with your daughter and showing interest in something she is interested in. that’s awesome. you’re fine.

      • Mike, I was getting ready to write the exact same thing. You’re being a supportive Dad. Nothing wrong with that. My husband watches all kinds of girly shows with our daughter and plays with her ponies with her as well. I heard about the BRONIES a few years ago and didn’t think much of it until I saw the documentary and realized they are turning the show into a life philosophy. That’s when it got weird.

  • Quite frankly, I’d be embarrassed were I a brony, but I’m not so I’m not. I admit that I’ve got a bit of a Star Wars collection, but that’s Star Wars. But a bunch of pastel color ponies is kinda creepy no matter what agenda they’re promoting.

  • Jesus Christ, I kind of wish I hadn’t read this. Why the fuck does everyone have to have a fetish these days? They get weirder and weirder! We live in a world where we have access to six thousand TV channels and an infinite internet where we barely have to leave the house. This makes it perfectly acceptable to be boring yet I keep watching shit like My Strange Addiction and getting totally creeped out by people’s need to have an affliction or obsession of some kind. Now we have Bronies! Even just the name “Bronies”. Ew! I’m so over the word combos like Bromance and Murse and Manzillian (I used to be a waxer) but twelve million Bronies! I’m so confused. Anyway, I’m new here. This site is fantastic. I always feel like I’ve stuck gold when I find funny, down to Earth, women bloggers. Kudos. I’ll be back.

    • I’ve been obsessed with adult babies lately. That is the ultimate fucktard fetish. There are literally forums where people can go into minute detail about the “stinky” they made in their “dipey” and how good it felt squishing around.

      The dark side of the internet is that in the past this kind of person would think “dear god there is something really wrong with me I need therapy”. But now a quick google search will connect them with their brethren and they will feel a sense of normality and even pride.

  • What the fuck did I just look at? I GOOGLED IT. I EVEN CLICKED “CLICK HERE IF YOU’RE AN ADULT AND YOU’RE OKAY WITH WHAT YOU’RE ABOUT TO SEE”. WHY! I can never unsee those things. I feel dirty now.

    I loved the plastic birthday cake smell of My Little Pony. Now I’ll never look at them again without imagining some pathetic young man shooting his love juice onto one. Blegh.

    This “movement” is horrifying.

  • Super glad I wasn’t at school when I clicked on the “tails that don’t require glue” link–there’s probably a clause in the network usage agreement that prohibits visiting butt plug websites. Since I’m sure I’ll be getting some pretty interesting sidebar ads from that in the near future, I’ve decided to turn on “private browsing” every time I read your blog.

  • There’s been a bit in the news about the massive drought in California and other horrific weather patterns and if we don’t do something soon to address this, we could face certain extinction. After reading your post about bronies, I’m think I’m okay with this.

  • I don’t want to live in this world any more. Thanks for the Brony education.
    I’m going to go sit in a dark closet underneath a bunch of winter coats and eat oreos until I slip into a coma.

  • There are times when I’m very grateful to be out of the loop on things (aka not cool enough to share things that might cause me mental distress or to toss my cookies). This is one of those times.
    Hey, I’ll be honest…I’m totally cool with being the “your kink’s not my kink” kinda girl, but this is a bit out there. *Shrugs* Ah, well….if there can be amputation fetishes, why should I be surprised about bronies?

  • Rule 34 just killed any chance of my daughter watching My Little Pony EVER or me ever singing “come on ride this pony” to my husband ever again. Yeah that really happened but never again.

    I seriously don’t get it. Your distaste for Bronys is much like mine for Hello Kitty. There are fetishes with this sweet little, children’s cat that are insanely disturbing. Plus, I just can’t handle the amount of grown ass people walking around in Hello Kitty shit they bought at Wal Mart.

    Why do “adults” think it is ok/normal to worship a children’s cartoon character??? Winnie the Fuckin’ Poo is not your friend people. They need to be dropped somewhere deep in the woods and THEN try to tell me you want to hug a bear on a mission for honey. Good stuff Nicki!

    • Thanks babe. I love Hello Kitty because she reminds me of my childhood. So now that I have a daughter I find myself buying her a lot of Hello Kitty stuff. But to me that’s a far cry from this sick obsession. And I don’t shop at Walmart either. It’s too traumatizing, even for me.

  • Ever seen a show called Robot Chicken? They did a hilarious bit called “Apocalypse Pony”. Just like the Saturday morning cartoon ads for those Evil little ponies. As soon as I saw this I was laughing all over again. Then I continued reading………This is horrifying. Absolutely appalling. Just plain idiotic and horrendous. What’s next? The “rainbow bright” coalition?

    Save a child, kill a brony.

    Great post Nicki. Important. I had no idea this was even a thing. What a F-ed up world.

  • Some of the Bronies are really fucking creepy. Some of the MLP “fan art” out there is goddamn scary (DON”T go looking for it on Deviant Art. Your vagina will never be happy again.) That said, I watch the show with my almost 7 year old daughter and husband. He loves the show. He’s not a bearded “manly man” dude..but he’s definitely a man and not a creepy Brony guy. However!! I recognize he’s in the major minority–some of them are just…scary. Weird. Don’t like it.

    Rule 34 is terrifying. It leads to black holes of terror. Don’t Google it. I’ve done it based on buddy’s suggestions and wanted to bleach my eyeballs afterwards. /shudder

    The funny thing is, my hubby agrees with you, and Samara–there is no place for men anymore. We have dismissed them for everything except sex–and even then, that’s optional. Women can (and do) do it all, but what does that leave the men to do?

    I’m off to find and watch the documentary. I’m attending Bronycon this year (my daughter is in love with the ponies, almost as much as she loves Minecraft, but there’s no Minecraft conventions) and intend to study these creepers up close. We’ve already agreed our daughter is going to be leashed to us at all times, just in case. I’m sure they are harmless. Not freaking risking it though.

  • My short lived purple haired days was like crack cocaine to Bronies. I still didn’t get laid though.

    I hope your vagina is happier now. Sad vagina’s make me sad

  • The good news: I just asked my Minecraft-loving 9yo if he knew what a “Brony” was. He looked at me blank-faced and said “Huh?” I told him nevermind and breathed a sigh of relief.

    The bad news: This – http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4605567
    Sorry couldn’t help but share. I saw something about it yesterday and realized it was tragically related. SMH.

  • I honestly don’t know what to say. That doesn’t happen often. Usually I’m good for some quips and witty observations. But I think this time, I’m just going to go fetal position and wait for the end of the world.

  • I love how you bash feminine men. I think it’s the greatest thing ever and I wish all women were like that. I’m a farmer and tree trimmer and work in a college town so I see shit like that everyday. I watched a guy pay $120 to have a tow company to jump his car. That’s fucking pathetic, a new battery is cheaper. Most likely he couldn’t install one though. Thank you for appreciating us hard working men and keep bashing.

  • My daughter loves My Little Pony.
    I thank God every day for giving me a daughter, for if I had a boy that adopted the Brony movement, I’d have to spend tens of thousands on therapy and I’m poor enough as it is.

    Nice work, Nicki. You cause me bodily injury with every post but I love you anyway. You’re like bacon for my mind…

  • Wow, I am more out of the loop than I thought. I didn’t even know this was a thing. Weird.

  • Dear Nicki,

    My 12 year old daughter is surrounded by Bronies in her middle school. As an athletic kid who likes old punk rock and Marvel Comic books, she’s finding it hard to relate to boys, let alone like ’em. Would you recommend your blog to preteen and/or teen girls like her?

    Signed,
    Noggin’ Scratchin’ in New York

    • I probably use the F word and talk about my privates a little too much for the younguns, and I wish I had words of wisdom for the girls, but I fear men are on a downward slope.

  • Oh my gahhhhd right? I wrote a post on this last summer and convinced myself they were really smoking pot and watching porn because honestly? THAT feels better to me than this pony nonsense. Excellent post. I’m holding on to the torch with you.

  • Hey Nicki, I recently found your blog, and I have never learned to trust someone faster. You have taught me well Sensei, as the rule #34 makes me want to poke out my mind’s eye. I now have to go watch an action movie filled with fight scenes to try and wash, rinse, and repeat all those images out of my head…

  • I’ve seen it, and now I can’t unsee it. GAH! Seriously considering washing my eyeballs with acid.

    I need some Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind cleansing right about now.

  • “Every generation has its moment when they pass the torch to the next generation. Not me. I’m hanging on to it until they prove they’re worthy. I’m not letting these dipshits play with fire.”

    Shear brilliance. As a twenty something myself, I’ve already seen more than I care to of this movement. I’m left to assume these people never walk out and socialize with the rest of humanity because I’ve never seen a brony IRL.

    Now, if you excuse me, I’m going to go do something that matters, like play a video game or binge watch an anime.

    • I’ve seen them in their native habitat on the few occasions I venture out to a mall. They can be found milling around Hot Topic and Sbarro, almost without fail.

      • …I should have seen them, then… since I tend to frequent Hot Topic when I’m at the mall. They have some great Disney stuff ^_^

        Man, I’m probably not far off from them. I’m just as much of a nerd… just about different things.

  • Can you please introduce me to a single lady that talks about her vagina as much as you do?

  • Aww…sounds like someone didn’t get enough glitter today.
    Hold on, I have it all over me. Let me just shake some off.
    There you go! And that one speck will be stuck in your cuticle forever! Wheee!!!!

    I actually like that they exist (as long as they stay a small cult), because I really can’t see the PC police coming down on their side, and it’s really good to have bronies around to mock.
    (And if they’re in such a good mood, it won’t even bother them!)

    • Oh, Guap, the PC police is VERY MUCH on their side. All the mainstream media has been super pro-Bony.
      And I don’t know if 12 million is a “small cult”. Those aren’t exactly Jonestown numbers.
      But they are fun to mock, I’ll grant you that.

    • You’re in Germany, so maybe there aren’t as many. But, there are Germans in the documentary, so there are at least a few. They’re spreading all over the world.

  • Maybe letting them play with fire is the answer, put them all on a boat and give ’em each a box of matches and let them wear those stupid tails. You never know, just might work. If somebody convinced them to hoard together because of some dumb cartoon, surely they’ll believe we made them an arc to ponyland.

  • Nicki girl – I have much to say here.

    Men are biologically Hunters. Conquerers. But we also need them to be stable for family and community. Masculinity is a two-pronged approach to life.

    When women subjugate that first instinct in the name of the second (and I’m NOT suggesting we let our men run around fucking and killing) we end up with these meek Peter Pans. They want their toys. They want to be polite. They have forgotten how to make a woman feel safe,. They want sex, but occasionally, on a woman’s terms. Bring the flowers and a book of poetry.

    I’m sorry, Nicki girl, but WE did this to them. Not you and me, but women. And I haven’t a clue how to fucking fix it.

    • A huge f*cking ‘thank you’, Samara! It was recently settled: Nicki, her granny-pube, and me – we are gonna write a book on the masculine/feminine dynamic someday. Something useful. . .to help all of the one-woman armies, save all of the would-be men, and salvage the idea of purposeful relationship roles. I think we need you in on it. Nicki?

      • Samara is definitely in our school of thought, as you can see from her wise comment. I don’t have a clue how to fix it either. I think men started the first wave of feminism by being stupid assholes, but then the feminist movement caught fire and now they are almost the new gender bullies.
        Women can do it all. Work, keep house, look hot, have babies. Men have lost their primal roles and despite what anyone says, that has an effect on the psyche. And since the 70s everyone has been raising our kids with this Everyone’s a Winner mentality, and participation trophies, and god forbid they have unstructured play, or get in a fistfight, and now you have these man boys who have no clue where they fit in the world.

        I’m ranting. I could rant on this subject for a whole book, easily.

        • There is NO Everyone’s a Winner mentality here. I have a draft about how I raise my kid. He does Tae Kwondo competitions, and I tell him, “Spar like you mean it. Come home with a trophy. Winning feels better than losing.”

          I’m a tiger mom. Once, during a competition, he took 2 steps back at the beginning of a match and I FREAKED. I’m raising a MAN here.

          Shit, I’m going to get eaten alive for this. Here we go again. Break out the xanax. I don’t give a fuck anymore.

          • I did tae kwon do for a number of years, and I’m going to back up your advice to Little Dude. I remember the first time I started sparring. My sa bum nim noticed I suddenly started doing better after a moment, and asked why, and I said I was angry… so he replied, “Get mad, then.” Understand, Sa Bum Nim Takata is pretty chill– he’s Hawaiian. He likes to golf. But apparently, some aggression has its place when it’s properly channeled.

            • I think it’s good for kids (and adults for that matter) to have outlets that they can use to channel aggression. All this nice-playing and everyone is a winner and let’s not be competitive leads to a lot of pent up anger.

              • I’m not a competitive person by nature, but I agree. I think we all need this from time to time, and this patty-cake condescension isn’t doing anyone any good.

  • I had no idea this was going on, now I have something else to warn my sons about. I am currently battling the cult of Minecraft and losing badly.

    • Well, I would think in light of this, Minecraft is the lesser of two evils. I guarantee if your kids are gamers, they’ve heard of Bronies, because they spam all the gamer fan sites with their pony stuff.

      • My daughter is obsessed with Minecraft, and my wife also enjoys it. I’d definitely say it was the lesser of two evils. Way lesser. I share my daughter’s Minecraft artwork with no shame. Doubtful I could say the same otherwise.

  • I could have gone through my life not knowing these things. Really, sometimes there is bliss in ignorance. Now I’m scarred. My brain will never get over this. Never! I’ve lost my innocence.

    • I’m sorry, Jackie. I am too. But knowledge is power, right? I figure it’s not long til the Bronies start knocking on our doors like the Jehovah’s Witnesses do, and now we’ll know what we’re dealing with.

  • You had me a CLOPAGANDA!!

    I’ve watched this doc. (Once again, curse you Nicki Daniels!) and I’ve watched the TV show (I have young children) and I get it.. it’s somewhat heart-warming seeing the kid with Aspergers getting out there and being around and engaging with people, or seeing these extremely socially awkward people finding a place where they are accepted all bundled up around a lovely cartoon message of friendship and acceptance that they kinda should have known about when they were four – but of course they’re only focusing on a couple “success stories”. The majority of the people really are fucking creepy. You can even see the haunted look in the eyes of that dude from Star Trek who’s a voice actor…really look… he’s PTSD over this. And don’t get me started with the female voice actor – she’s doing this shit to get some screen time and for the joy of knowing 3,000 creepy young men (and women) are masturbating over her over-promoted and over-inflated boobs.

    It occurs to me that the real problem is that we just don’t have anything to fucking believe in anymore. What do people with zero social skills cling to? Hell, what do people with brilliant social skills cling to? Religion has failed us, science has evolved to a point that no one fucking understands it or even what they’re looking to prove anymore, soooo … Peace? Environmentalism? Capitalism? Yeah, all that shit’s working out awesome. We’re left scrambling looking for “movements” and the 60’s ruined all the good ones for us. I hope we get invaded by aliens or something so we can all rally around some sort of banner and get our shit together.

    Regardless…awesome post. You’re my new Steve Jobs, I’ll start camping out now for your next post so I can be one the first to get the goods. Everyone start chanting now “Nicki! Nicki! Nicki!”

    NickiCon 2014 can’t be far away, right?

    • I agree with your whole rant. I think that is the exact problem. Everything has been done, and so in their search to be original, today’s youth is literally just creating stuff to obsess about.

      I’ve been waiting for the aliens and the zombies for a loooooong time now.

      • And I thought the kid with Aspergers was really cute. I loved his feathered cap. But those were feel-good stories to distract us from the rest of the creepy going on.

    • wait, there’s a dude from Star Trek that’s a voice actor for this series? And which female voice actor? Yes, I’m a bit sad, my curiosity meter went through the roof with “over-promoted and over-inflated boobs”.

      Trust me, I can handle the creep… my “weird shit-o-meter” has a broad range. Fanboys and fangirls can do pretty creeptastic stuff, and I’ve already freaked out Nicki with proof of what I’ve seen (well, more especially the fangirl stuff).

      • Oh, you didn’t creep me out. I really think, at this point in my life, I am impervious to being truly creeped out. No, that is not a challenge.

        • Oh, I’m not sadistic. If anything, I’m masochistic. So no, I will not try to torment you. I still have my principles.

          And I believe you, so I’ll back up and say maybe that you are merely dismayed at the creepy clusterfuck that the Internet continues to spawn. But I will say that huge swaths seem come from the 4Chan community.

          Also, being a gamer, as I’ve said– I’ve just seen so much that I just can’t be much shocked anymore. I’ve seen it in person, and I can never UNsee it.

  • Why did you watch that documentary? Have you lost your mind? Don’t you know that you can’t un-see something? That’s why I won’t watch any of the Taliban executions videos on YouTube. Just because an image exists, like beheadings and interviews with Bronies, that doesn’t mean it needs to be seen.

    Bonus points for your “end is nigh” tag and “behoof”. Well played, Pinkie Pie.

    • I have a sick need to know about all kinds of depravity. That’s why I always read about serial killers, strange diseases, and youtube police brutality.

      • Well, if depravity is your thing, then blogging is the game for you. Loads of depraved souls in here. (As you’ve experienced first hand. And that’s all I’m going to say about that.)

  • I have just started reading your blog, and I love it. It started with your beard rant ( I am a bearded male who was so happy to read that assault on the hipster beard.) This, however is your best post yet. I was unfortunately introduced to these “bronies” a few years ago. After hearing about their religion, I kindly asked them “What The Fuck is wrong with you?” I was in shock. Could the future of manhood be lost forever? Is Mankind doomed? I, a healthy 30 year old male with glorious beard worked of hands of hard work, was scared that manliness was lost forever. But then I read your blog today and I was inspired. Inspired by your words of condemnation and contempt for those who would sully the name of men everywhere. I am sorry to hear about you woman boner being gone forever, but I am here to stand up for the rest of manhood and lead the charge into a manly tomorrow. One where only kids find colorful ponies fun, and adult males drink beer and move out of their parents house. So thank you!

    • Bwahaha. You know how every generation goes “I don’t kids these days”? But then they kind of shake their heads and concede that maybe they just don’t get it?

      I get it. But I shall not allow it.

  • I like you Nicki, really I do. But the old Transformers cartoons were WAY more than just 20 minute commercials for Hasbro products.

    PS – Googling that shit has ruined regular porn for me. Way to kick a man when he’s down…

    • Awww, I knew someone would say that. I watched “Jem”. I’m not saying that the cartoons weren’t’ enjoyable in their own right, but that the purpose for their very production was to sell toys.

      Sorry about the porn. Porn is bad for you anyway.

    • I’ll agree with you– up to a point. They were still 20 minute commercials for Hasbro products. Mind you, I was impressed that the creators of the Beast Wars and Beast Machine shows decided to keep to the G1 continuity. But still, Nicki’s right– the aim was to sell the toys.

      I look at my brother-in-law’s (my second sister’s husband) vast collections of not only Transformers, but He-Man, and other toy lines, and I’d say that’s some proof there.

  • What the heck. I had heard the term “brony” but I had no idea… This explains the messed up My Little Pony porn that I occasionally get trolled with. Why has Netflix never suggested this documentary to me? Surely it knows I delight in the horrors of the human condition.

    • Netflix loves suggesting strange things to me. Have you seen “I think we’re alone now”? Netflix thought I would like it, and I loved it. It’s about a guy with Aspergers and a hermaphrodite who are criminally obsessed with 80’s pop singer Tiffany.

      • Also, I am aware that Netflix just collates data and is not a sentient being that has an actual fondness for me. Because that would be alarming.

      • I clearly need to spend more time cultivating a close relationship with Netflix. Here I thought that all those long nights cuddled in my bed with candy wrappers to keep us warm actually meant something.

  • holy crap. recently I did a small illustration for what I thought was a funny send up of “80s Cartoons” for a lowbrow art show of the same name. The illustration depicted a fat smurf, riding a little unicorn pony with Gargamel’s severed head on a spike. I thought it was funny, now I wonder if people think I’m disturbed. I had never heard of Bronies before. Im thoroughly creeped out.

    • I don’t think it’s disturbed. I love deviant art. This is just on such an insane level that I am scarred for life. And that takes a LOT.

  • Considering someone actually found my blog with the search words “sexy pony pics”, this doesn’t surprise me. There is some seriously WEIRD stuff out there, and if I”m saying it’s weird, it is freaking WEIRD. Also, “the more I learn, the more my vagina gets very sad” was hilarious.

    I’m afraid to click on the links . . .

    • I know, girl. Trust me, I am all about embracing the weird. If it was just young guys getting high and enjoying a silly kids show, I’ve been there. But they are seriously turning it into religious dogma and using it as a cult of empowerment.

      • I know a couple of guys who are into the show that are normal, nice guys (as normal as you get if you hang out with me). But yeah, you can take stuff too far, and the whole sparkly rainbow fart empowerment stuff sounds too bizarre. I still haven’t had a chance to view the video – I may be running back here screaming WTF????

  • the end is “neigh”. I couldn’t resist. I’m going to watch that documentary today, this sounds worse than those “Tiffany” fans (stalkers.)

    • I should have known you’ve seen “I THINK WE’RE ALONE NOW”. If anyone is looking for a good time, watch the Brony doc and this one about creepy people who stalk 80’s one hit wonder Tiffany, and feel lots better about your own little quirks.

  • Your vagina is sad. My eyeballs hurt. The bronies are ruining everything. I’ll be back, I have to go watch that damned documentary, against my better judgment.

  • Clearly, I’ve been sheltered. A rainbow pony movement of educated males? I’ve not even HEARD of this. I have to go do a little research…very little.

    • I went to look up one site, and 5 hours later I was hyperventilating and sweating. It’s a deep rabbit hole, go down at your own peril…

  • I may have to watch that documentary now. I need a new cause to get fired up over.

    I learned my lesson with rule 34 looking up Spongebob one time. *shudder*

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